So 12 days into 2011 and it’s already crazy as hell!
Lets see what we’ve we got so far:
– We’ve got snow in 49 out 50 states INCLUDING f*cking Hawaii!
Those orange eating, geriatric, a-holes in the penile state of Florida are the ONLY ones not shuffling through piles of sky dandruff. That’s crazy! Maybe the Day after Tomorrow was accurate after all. But, coming from a state in which snow is basically my life, it is kind of cute to see the absolute pandemonium that 1+ inch of snow can cause in warmer states. Suck it, Arkansas.
-Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords got shot point blank in the f*cking head by Uncle Fester from the Addams Family
This dude is a disgruntled community college dropout whose major influences in life were Friedrich Nietzche, the Drowning Pool, and the wonderful staff over at Fox News. Now, this is truly a tragedy and my condolences go out to the families of all the people (and children) who didn’t survive the assault. But Giffords, who, once again, got shot in the f*cking head, some how managed to survive! In fact, shes expected to make almost a full recovery. The bullet went straight through her f*cking brain, people. Nothing short of a miracle and thank whatever god you believe in that she’s ok, but god damn! How many people do you know that got shot in the f*cking head and lived. Probably not many. That’s crazy as hell!
On a more positive note though, Obama gave a really stirring speech at the joint funeral for all the of the victims. Google it if you missed it
–All those birds and fish that just died for no reason
Ok so apparently down-south a bunch of blackbirds just up and f*cking died and fell to the streets below by the dozens. Then shortly thereafter, tens of thousands of dead crab and fish washed up on the shore of Louisiana.
That’s crazy as hell, yawl.
Now there have been many attempts to explain the phenomenon, notable ones being a shift in the magnetic poles which have caused clouds of poisonous gas to form, chemicals leftover from a recent fireworks display, apocalypse, and aforementioned unseasonably cold climate in the south. But to be honest, no matter what the explanation is that’s just one of those things that is just going to be spooky as sh*t no matter what. That’s some serious “The Happening” stuff.
We could all learn a lesson from Mark Wahlberg
-Crackhead Ted and his Golden voice
Now this has to be the most hilariously awesome and yet weirdly inspiring stories that I’ve seen on the news in a long time. So there’s this homeless crack head who, down-trodden, alone, and hurting for crack, had one redeeming talent which, despite a decade of profuse drug use, managed to stay intact.
The man had a absolutely perfect voice for broadcast voice overs.
One day, while begging for money on the street, crackhead Ted encounters a man who, so impressed by his peculiar talent, decides to video tape him and put him on Youtube. Now, after a overwhelming out pour of interest, crackhead Ted is now doing voice overs for pro-sports teams, radio stations, and Kraft foods.
Well I suppose that is a testament to the supposed American Dream or something.
I don’t know. I guess I’m just astonished all of the weird ways in which people can attain fame in America. I mean I suppose you could say that this is yet another example about how in America “anything is possible”. But somehow I feel like its a little bit more than that. It seems more like in America “anything is possible” if you are rich enough to buy yourself into whatever you want to achieve, or you’re weird enough to be taken into the waiting arms of the mass media and exploited under the false pretense that you’re actually worth something.
Maybe that’s just me being pessimistic. But I have long since realize the truth behind the alleged “Beauty of America”
But all in all…I can only sit back and see how much crazier 2011 gets. Hopefully we just got off to a wild start and things will kind of peter off…
But somehow I don’t think so.
Sit back, relax, and hang on, everybody